Tooth whitening

You may remember back in November I had some holes drilled into my jawbone and titanium implants screwed into the holes. I sat the final exam of my degree a couple of hours later and then went to a football match.

The follow-up to that procedure means that when the bone around the implants is fully healed, I get some porcelain crowns on those implants that will match my real teeth. In the mean time I have some temporary plastic crowns.

The thing with the porcelain implants is that they're permanent. Which means, as my dentist told me, that if I ever wanted to have my teeth whitened I'd have to have it done before putting the porcelain implants in, as if I had it done later the implants, which will be chosen in a colour that matches my teeth, wouldn't be whitened by the process and would therefore remain darker than the whitened teeth.

So I decided to have my teeth whitened now, a few weeks before having the permanent crowns put on.

Let me tell you, it was utter fucking agony.

I'd asked loads of questions about how much pain I could expect. I was told there was likely to be 'some sensitivity', a side-effect that not everyone experienced but if I did I could expect it to last a couple of hours after the procedure. I figured that since I don't have sensitive teeth, apart from the odd pang in one area of my mouth, the only place I would experience sensitivity would be that one site.

They gave me a couple of panadeine forte just prior to the procedure, which I didn't take as a good sign, but panadeine forte are pretty good, so I figured they would minimise any discomfort- they've certainly served me well at other times.

The procedure ('Laserbrite whitening' or something) basically involved stuff being put on my teeth, a bright light being shone on it, the light being turned off after 8 minutes, the stuff being suctioned off the teeth and then reapplied and the cycle repeated 3 times.

The first time, I experienced a bit of stinging in my gums. "Not too bad," I thought, "Doesn't even feel like the same horrid sensation as sensitive teeth. Wonder what the fuss is all about?"

The second time was a bit more painful. When they suctioned the first lot of bleach-y stuff off my teeth the cool air made them a little sensitive, but definitely bearable. When the stuff was reapplied it stung more, but it was ok. Certainly not so bad that I needed the girl's reassurances of "only 3 more minutes" and "only one more minute"... By the time the second round had finished I felt like I'd had enough, though.

The third time was simply awful. I couldn't wait for it to end. The 'sensitive teeth' sensation had definitely arrived. I was reassured by the fact they'd said the pain would last only a couple of hours after. I gritted my teeth through their after-care instructions, paid and left.

We needed to buy some grocery items- our list turned into things like apples and potatoes and parsnip, all white foods. I'm not allowed to have coffee (nooooo!), tea, curry, tomato-based sauces or any food that is likely to stain my teeth over the next few days. Chocolate, thank god, is apparently ok.

The pain had subsided a little as we left the dentist, but it came back with a vengeance- like having my teeth ripped out. Gam said something to me and I almost burst into tears. The incredible pain would make its appearance at different sites around my mouth, arriving suddenly and then subsiding slowly. Sometimes it was so bad I couldn't help clutching my hand over my mouth when it arrived. I'm not sure if it's the worst pain I've ever had- having this squeezed, washed out, stuffed with gauze and dressed with no anaesthetic for several weeks might top it, but it's by far the worst dental pain I've ever had. And somehow the painkillers didn't seem to have any effect (whereas with my arm they definitely did). When I got home I had a tablet with 500mg paracetemol and 10 mg codeine, which seemed to have no effect (even though the panadeine forte tablets should still have been working- it was only 2 hours after the procedure began), and the pain was so unbearable I had to lie down... Gam gave me a couple of nurofen and eventually I fell asleep, waking around 3 hours later after having had a nightmare and drooling what seemed like a couple of litres of saliva onto a towel that I'd thankfully placed on my pillow (the pain had been making me produce and swallow buckets of my own spit so I'd sort of expected to drool if I fell asleep).

Would I have had it done if I knew how painful it was going to be?

Not a chance. Sure I wanted whiter teeth (or at least figured I'd best take the option while it was available). But I don't believe in torturing myself to improve my appearance. 6 hours after the procedure ended I'm still in a surprising amount of pain, although the stabbing pains have thankfully ended. Still having to drink tepid water and not looking forward to a morning without coffee tomorrow (and when I don't take a coffee to work I fall asleep after lunch!). I'm scared stiff that the 'maintenance' whitening I have to undertake at home for a couple of days is going to hurt too- if it does I'm going to stop it right away. I can't get anything done when I'm in that much pain. I'd assumed I was going to have a nice productive afternoon- it was a beautiful day here, and if I could survive having holes drilled in my jawbone then why not a simple whitening procedure? Ha.

And no, I haven't taken any before and after pictures because it still hurts to open my mouth. No wonder so many celebrities have horrid fake smiles- it's because they're in constant agony from having their teeth whitened all the time.