I scarcely notice the time it takes, the way days pass so quickly and without my getting anything much done that isn't breastfeeding or changing nappies... I'm completely involved and I love him, but when it comes to profound, none of this has come close to my experience of falling in love with Gam. I don't know if that means I'm in the much-reviled 'I love my husband more than my kids' camp, about which there was a small uproar when Ayelet Waldeman decided to voice her position in a no doubt deliberately provocative article in the New York Times (later cashing in on the publicity with a book, Bad Mother, on the same theme). Gam can attest to the fact that his needs have been placed a distant second to those of Setri, and he's probably not feeling particularly well-loved of late- more like an under-sexed nappy-changing, wind-pain-soothing housework machine.
Maybe I'm still learning and I don't love Gam more than Setri, or perhaps I do but later I'll love them equally. I can't identify with Ayelet Waldeman on everything: I certainly don't feel able to carry on a 'torrid' sex life with Setri yelling for attention (that's not to say there's a lack of desire, merely opportunity), but on this I can:
What if, God forbid, someone were to snatch one of my children? God forbid. I imagine what it would feel like to lose one or even all of them. I imagine myself consumed, destroyed by the pain. And yet, in these imaginings, there is always a future beyond the child's death. Because if I were to lose one of my children, God forbid, even if I lost all my children, God forbid, I would still have him, my husband.
But my imagination simply fails me when I try to picture a future beyond my husband's death. Of course I would have to live. I have four children, a mortgage, work to do. But I can imagine no joy without my husband.
I have always felt that without a child to live for I would have no reason to live without Gam. Suicide is a horribly taboo subject and it upsets Gam to hear it, but the idea of life without him- even if it were after a long and happy lifetime together- is one so painful it brings me to tears every time. I would die for Setri as I would for Gam, but I think I could live with Gam in Setri's absence more easily than for Setri in Gam's. I don't want to encounter either hypothetical scenario, as I'm sure the pain of losing Setri would sap any pleasure from my existence. Even before I knew him I couldn't bear the idea of losing him, and that feeling has only gotten stronger. Is that love, or is it just that creating Setri was such an investment, physically, that it represents years of hardship in replacing what was lost? Is it possible to love someone you don't know, before they are even a person? As a new mother I think I'm supposed to say yes, but I suspect biology plays a part in those feelings more than it would in my feelings for Gam. After all, Gam is theoretically more easily replaceable in the biological sense, so the thought of losing him should not be more painful than that of losing Setri.
Sex, for the curious (and not for anyone who wants to look us in the eye ever again- stop reading! Stop reading now!) has so far been pretty much a non-event. Shamefully, I can count on one hand the number of times we've even tried anything, and two fingers the number of orgasms either of us has had. We've only attempted 'penetrative sex' (as the post-discharge booklet from the hospital puts it) once, an occasion rudely (and predictably) interrupted by our new offspring. However, I was relieved and very pleased to note that it not only felt good but that after having given birth naturally everything was not "hang loose like the mouth of a tired dog", as Borat might put it. There is very scant information out there on what happens to a woman's vagina during childbirth, which led me to suspect that a horrible truth was lurking out there to be sprung on the uninitiated- what little literature was available on the topic led me to expect to be 'stretched' down there- and to stay stretched! Thankfully, everything felt absolutely normal. I think if I can give birth to a 12lb/5.44kg baby and come through it with absolutely no ill effects, every first-time mother-to-be (and fathers-to-be too) can feel somewhat reassured. Sadly, that perfectly functioning vagina will likely be as under-utilised as every new-parent resource warns you to expect. But at least it's good to know that when you can finally resume anything approaching a sex life, everything will feel just as good as it used to feel... even if you can no longer do it anywhere but the bedroom and between the hours of 9pm and 6am!
2 comments:
To be honest one of the bigger problems with sex after the birth of a baby lies in the breastfeeding (and therefore the suppressed ovulation). It can cause what my obstetrician causes a "relative oestrogen deficiency" leading to thinning of the skin and vaginal dryness and therefore painful intercourse even if you had a caesarean. A lot of my patients are unprepared for that, so I do try to discuss it as part of the post partum checkup (it's usually as simple as use lubricant). Still I have a friend who still can't walk without pain 12 months after the birth of her child because of prolapses etc. And what is it with the baby sex radar? Are they so opposed to siblings that they have to cry the minute things start to heat up?? I have to admit I don't think the phrase "we'll have to be quick" has ever been used so much before in our house!
oh, and I read part of that article too, and I have to say I always intend to love Matt more. What better gift for my children after all then two parents who love each other?
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