Almost two months ago, Gam and I decided to get married. Rather, we decided almost five years ago to get married, but a couple of months ago decided we'd sneak off to a registry, tell our parents after the fact and worry about the 'wedding' nonsense at a later date.
We did tell our good friend Nic, who lives in the UK, but no-one else. For some reason, we decided last night to tell them our plans, even though we haven't actually gotten around to doing it yet, or even setting a date. So we sent both sets of parents an email... probably not how most parents dream of being told that their first-born little darlings are getting married, but I'm not sure what they thought they could expect of us in that regard, given that we've never given them the impression we're in a hurry to get around to it. At least we had enough sensitivity not to announce it on the blog before telling them. Actually, it was more the small, paranoid fear that somehow they or someone they knew would stumble across the blog and we'd have even more crap to deal with... yeah.
Anyway, the reaction from both sides was that they're all very pleased we're getting married, but couldn't we just have a 'proper' wedding at place X, in church X... blah blah blah. It would be funny except for the fact that we're expected to take into account my Grandma's sensitivities (wedding must take place in a church- an Anglican church- it's bad enough that we're getting married at all, without us also having to become part of the Great Roman Catholic Conspiracy to Steal Away Young People... somehow I suspect that the fact Gam's an atheist wouldn't comfort her in the slightest), my Dad's sensitivities (he's had to convince himself we are 'married' in every sense except the legal one, which in a way is true, only it's to make himself feel better about the fact that we're technically living in sin... and it would be something of a travesty for me to wear a white dress because I'm not a virgin, I gather), Gam's parents' sensitivities (must have a 'proper' wedding- a real big deal, preferably in Ghana. I like the 'Ghana' part enormously, but only if I get to dictate to the no doubt traditionally-minded Roman Catholic priest who would be marrying us that I a) refuse to be 'given away' by anyone, and b) will never, ever pronounce wedding vows that include the word 'obey'. Despite appearances, that last one is a family tradition).
Mum phoned in the morning, as I was about to head off for class, and again in the evening, shortly after I arrived home, asking whether we could just do it in Kempsey, at Easter- only a little over a month away! When I said to her that our initial plan was to just sneak off to the registry and inform them of it later and that I hadn't really planned anything more than that, she sounded quite crestfallen. She did sound really up for going to Ghana, but only after we had a wedding here to placate the relatives, particularly Grandma. Dad didn't sound up for going to Ghana at all. Given that my parents haven't met Gam's parents and I love all four of our parents I honestly am not so interested in having a 'proper' wedding for one lot and making the other lot wait, and I kind of felt that my parents have an unfair advantage by virtue of living merely in the next state rather than several tens of thousands of kilometres away.
Mum and Dad told my brother and his girlfriend that Gam and I are getting married, and they immediately assumed we are having a wedding... Richard started planning for the booze, and Priscilla started wondering when Richard was going to get around to marrying her. I've no doubt Priscilla already has plans as to what she wants for her wedding, being so much more of a girly-girl than I am, so I told Mum that if she wants a 'proper' wedding then perhaps I should let Richard and Priscilla go first. Mum wasn't biting... given our previous reluctance to commit to a date, she did feel the need to enquire in regard to our sudden change of mind- "You're not pregnant, are you?".
Maybe Mum hasn't heard of Implanon. Implanon might have a host of unpleasant side effects, but when it comes to preventing pregnancy it's better than abstinence... mainly because you get to have loads of great sex while not getting pregnant. Y'hear that, abstinence promoters? Still, I don't really feel the need to fill my Mum in on birth control issues at her stage in life...
I think that we'll still probably continue with our registry-wedding plan. I may not have any firm ideas about what I want in a wedding, but in my opinion the church (regardless of denomination) is a bigoted institution and I don't want to undertake any kind of meaningful commitment within its walls. I'm happy to do the performing monkey in a white dress thing if it will make our families happy, and I would like to have a nice party (one that wouldn't necessarily make all family members happy) and some nice photos to show our kids one day, but I don't want to play a part in affirming certain values I find abhorrent.
Gam and I aren't really getting married because we think it will change anything or make our lives different somehow. I suppose the main reason is just making sure that everyone knows how much we mean to each other.
Still, we probably should have kept our big mouths shut for the time being... we weren't planning on dealing with the 'proper wedding' crap for at least 12 months or so.
5 comments:
wow. i. so. hear. where. you. are. coming. from
if you've read my blog, you'd know that i am engaged and mark and i truly dont want any big special wedding. MAINLY because of the family/religion factors also.
I have seriously 6 relatives, we're tiny, but functional.
On the otherhand, Mark has a zillllion relatives, not to mention his mum's neighbours, that have to be invited to everything.
so in the past year since getting engaged we have decided to a) elope to hawaii.. b) do the registry thing...c) elope to Las Vegas....d) screw getting married all together.
i dont see why it becomes more about what 'the family' wants as opposed to what you want??
I'm really not looking forward to my wedding day, because of all the BS and guilt that comes along with it... we are also instigating a 'no children' rule... which was met with contempt as marks mum was like "sure, but you dont mean YOUR nephews do you???"
eghhhhhh sucks.
Me thinks hawaii is the go.
I've heard Mauritius is nice, too!
I suppose I can thank my lucky stars that my family aren't big breeders, or it would be even worse.
Honestly, I can see why option D keeps coming up. Living in sin is so much more hassle-free!
Nonetheless, congratulations you guys. :D
I could never get married in a church, I think I would turn to dust or something; I feel like such a filthy hypocrite just sitting in on a service, like I'm ruining it for everyone with my silent atheism and scorn at the sexism!
Do what you want, I say. It's your wedding not theirs, and you're the ones who are going to live with it, not them.
Congrats. Do what you want to do. At the end of the day it's your choice. I did the whole thing, and at the end of the day it was a good excuse to get my parents to pay for what's really quite a big party!
From the perspective of someone who's done it, the wedding is about the least important thing, in some ways.
A lot of people focus too much on GETTING married, and not BEING married. Your wedding is only going to take one day. (Unless you have several. We had two, in two separate faith traditions.) Your marriage, if you do it right, will take the rest of your life.
May you two have all the happiness that I can wish you.
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