Playboy jokes of the month

My missing October issue arrived last week. I was due the March issue in the mail, so the fact didn't even twig until this week when I recognised a picture that had appeared on the letters page in the November issue! There was a sicker attached to the cover with something in Spanish that appeared to equate to 'not deliverable'- the magazine had been to Santo Domingo, Dominica. I noted that the label was printed with the delivery address as:

Sarah
XXXXXX St
St Lucia 4067
St lucia
Australia

It seems some bright spark must have thought the magazine needed to be delivered to St Lucia, the island nation, rather than Australia. None of the other address labels have been printed like that, but it puts paid to my theory that someone was nicking the magazine... at least the October issue- the January issue is still missing (although they sent me a replacement).

On to the jokes- from the October and March issues:

Q: What do you call an evangelical church leader who uses speed?
A: A crystal methodist.

An elderly couple was attending a church service. About halfway through the sermon, the old lady leaned over and said "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
Her husband replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

After spending the night at a hotel with a prostitute, a politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said, "but I charge only $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry, the girl replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side."


A redneck came to the big city to visit some friends. They went to an Applebee's restaurant for dinner and one of the listings caught his eye: lobster tail and beer, $40.
"Damn," he said. "My three favourite things! And for such a reasonable price"


A man stepped onto a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after noticing her many glances, he said, "It's golf balls."
"Oh," she said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


At the breakfast table a woman grumbled to her husband, "Our new neighbour told me her husband has sex with her every day. Why can't you do that?"
Without missing a beat, he answered, "Honey, I hardly know the woman."

A strict teacher was lecturing his students on the importance of being wide awake. "I've found the most effective way to start a day," he said, "is to take a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over."
A bored voice from the back of the class interjected, "Tell us more about Rosie."

An angry wife met her husband at the door. He smelled of booze and perfume.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there's a very good reason for your waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning with liquor on your breath and lipstick on your collar?"
"There is," he replied. "I'd like breakfast."

"It's certainly going to be a beautiful day," the boss told his secretary.
"I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forecast is for horrible rain."
"I'd put money on it that today will be bright and sunny," said the boss. "I'll even lay you 12 to 1."
"I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour."

After viciously chewing out one of his cadets, the drill sergeant said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge," the cadet replied. "No sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the army I'd never stand in another line."

"And what is the reason you are seeking a divorce?" a family court judge asked a man standing before him.
"Because," the man said, "I live in a two-story house."
"What's the big deal about a two-story house?" the judge asked.
"Well," the man answered, "one story is 'I have a headache', and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"